I told a lie last night.

I can't stand this. I am in torment. I can't interact with people without studying them so closely that they are sure to hurt me. I watch their bodies. Hands. Mouths. Eyes. I know what they're thinking.

I hold a little piece of my heart out to every person I speak to. I only want them to be pleased to have spoken to me.

My husband says I'm too open with people. He says that's why people think I'm weird.

I am tearful.

I am only a child.

At least once a month I decide that I will never speak again. To never hear my own voice again would be my greatest accomplishment.

I am re-imagining my life without my voice.
I am silent on my grandfather's home videos. I only point to the flower. I do not say "It's a hibiscus."
I never hold my sister by her shoulders and scream into her.
I never tell my mother that I love her.
I never sit on the front porch and cry out to God.

Everything that is good can be done without words--loving, eating, walking about with no guilt or shame...

Player Piano

If I admire or miss a person, I imagine that I am playing the piano. The person is nearby and is impressed. The person loves me because I am playing the piano so well. I am always wearing a beautiful dress.

It is a daily dream. Different people. Faraway people. People who do not remember me.

Somehow, if they could only hear me play, I would be forgiven for whatever I have done to make them go away.

If I could wear a beautiful dress...

Departmental Meeting

Scanners are moving.
Computers are moving.
Snafu.
Mystified.
Prayer Meeting.
Petting Zoo.

Empty.

"There's nothing threatening controlling me."

--The Shins on Phantom Limb "Nothing At All"

What if...

What if I'm doing so well--singing blue skies--just so failure will hurt more?

How will I pay for my sins? I have a husband. I have a best friend. I have a treasured child in my life. A true brother. A loving father. These five people mean more to me than anything. Will my sins hurt them? Is that how it works?

Crazy Roy says some people lose a child because of their sins or get sick. He says that we should all be glad that we have our own cross and not someone else's.

I wish I knew what to expect.

But that would be cheating. I would get better health insurance. I wouldn't have kids if they were going to die.

The sins of the fathers.

Does it work that way with mothers, too? Will I pay for my grandmother's sins? Will I know? Will my child pay for the destruction my mother has caused?

I can see it in my mind. She is holding the child. She is smiling, almost crying. She is pleased. Finally, I have done something worthwhile. I have birthed a perfect curve of flesh to lie on a cold stone and be sacrificed for her lies.

There will be no one to pay for my sins. I will do it myself.

Difference

When was I last in the moment? When has my mind been on what I have in my hands?

Which of my lives is real?

I know the difference. The one I imagine is very quiet--without acquaintances. I am thin.

This morning, I remembered my father waking me up to go walk with him on the beach. I was the only one he woke. I was the only one he cared about. I remembered the conversations we would have about the ocean and the stars and the tides.

For a part of a second, the real memory flashed on my mind. I had forgotten the truth. I went with him because I was a light sleeper. He would try to sneak out, but I would wake up and follow him. He never said a word on the beach. Not a word. He spent the mornings looking for shells my mother would like. She hated shells. She threw them all away.

How many of my other memories have been twisted around?

I don't care.

Left out.

News Flash:

In my brother's thesis acknowledgments, everyone in our family was named. Everyone but me.

He meant for it to hurt me, and it has. I can't stop crying. I want to stop because he meant for me to cry.

But I can't.

What happened? What's wrong with me? I don't understand.

Signals

I cannot describe anything today. I am bursting. I'm over-interpreting everything. I heard Sue say that she only holds doors for people to see if they say "Thank you" or not. I searched my archives for any small memory of her holding the door for me. I don't know if I said anything or not.

My mind is racing. I've had three disconcerting interactions with very important people already this morning. I can't calm down. I'm watching their eyes, their mouths. I'm looking for any signal that I've done something wrong.

I can't sit still. I can't stop thinking. Someone, somewhere is very upset with me, and I can't figure out who it is.

Why do I do this? Just say you don't like me. I'm tired of guessing. I feel like my entire body is a tapping foot.

Yesterday's Staff Meeting

Circulating stacks update. We won't call it "weeding" anymore. Must remember. I have lost myself. These voices hurt me. I have so much to do. I will get it done. I have fear. I fear disappointing others. I fear the thoughts of others. Do their thoughts touch? I convince myself that I know what they're thinking. Cynthia thinks I am a waste of time. Debra thinks I don't look very smart. Lisa can't believe all the stuff I don't know. Jennifer knows I am useless to her and therefore useless to the world. Rebecca is afraid of me. She doesn't understand that I like her. Charles is unconcerned with my existence. David knows I am an idiot. He knows I don't like to be made fun of. Fred pretends. Debbie knows I am lazy. She envies my laziness, and it makes her angry. Savitiri doesn't trust me. Peggy from ILL doesn't like for me to look at her. Virginia sees that I take many things for granted. Jocelyn knows, in spite of her urging, that I will never get very far in life. JoEllen is afraid that my strange religion will jump on her and keep her from saying the "F" word. I want her to like me so much. She cannot. It is too much for any person. Lori knows that i know nothing, that I understand nothing. She knows I'm a fake. She would never want me to get too close. Kendria thinks I am weak. I have born no child. Bridget sees that religion was wrapped around me. I did not choose it for myself. Janet doesn't like my voice. Steve thinks my hair is connected to God. He doesn't like to make eye contact. He thinks I can see that he hates God. Peggy Sue wants me to stay away. Her sandwich is none of my business. Greg can't wait for me to leave. Linda thinks I talk about myself too much. Sue thinks I'm ugly. She hates my clothes. Karen thinks I know her secret. Lilliean wouldn't mind if I died. Marvin feels sorry for me. Lili thinks I'm an entirely different person. Sonya suspects I will never amount to anything. Peggy Lee trusts me but dislikes me. Katie knows I am beneath her. She thinks I should have nothing nice. She thinks I should be without happiness. Dyana hates me. I have not heard a word of this meeting. July. In July, my life will be better but only because more of it will be behind me. I have so much to do. Will I ever be done? Is that what life is? A huge string of deadlines. Do they speak to each other of these thoughts they have about me? Do they nod to each other when I pass by? When will I feel good? When will this be over? No prayer. I guess we're done.