Something free
Not me
My body is a battlefield.
How close am I to hurting someone? Will I ruin it all and not be able to remember? Will they believe me? Everyday I find someone standing in front of me or sitting next to me, speaking to me. I realize it suddenly. I have not heard a word. I have been elsewhere. I know how close I feel. I know no one would believe me. I would be told I was silly. I would be told to stop it.
"Isabella, what is your weakness?"
I want to hurt everyone. There is no peace here. God doesn't love me anymore. My love won't love me forever. I've decided to accept it.
The number I see on the scale...is it the number that is actually there? I weigh my body every day. It disappoints me every day. I am ugly. I am everything he doesn't want. If he didn't know me, he would say "she'd be pretty if she'd just lose weight." I've heard him say it about girls like me.
This is a new day. I will make a new pact to never speak again. I am in this meeting. I am also in a small room. dim. alone. crying with my whole body. screaming. eyes squeezing, mouth stretching. Will I ever breathe in again? I am also in an attic space. complete dark. hot. soft cushion. I am curled and silent--almost sleeping. small scratching sounds all around me...the smell of hot plywood. All I want to do is sleep. I am tired of this world. When I sleep, some wonderful perception of myself becomes myself. I am thin. I am beautiful. My hair is slick. I am in a blue dress. The wind is blowing. I breathe in. I have horrible adventures. I am free.
These people are laughing now. I am vowing to never laugh again. Why didn't anyone tell me I am so ugly? I gnash my teeth. Is this hell? Maybe the rapture will only take babies. Maybe hell is a world without babies. I will never have my own. I know it. It is how I will be punished for what I've done. He will know that's the reason. He will hate me even more.
What am I worth? Nothing.
What am I good at? Nothing.
What have I done with my 25 years? ruined lives. failed at my work. I have lied. I have disappointed everyone.
All I want is to go to sleep. Please let me go to sleep. I just want to sleep.
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