I told a lie last night.
I can't stand this. I am in torment. I can't interact with people without studying them so closely that they are sure to hurt me. I watch their bodies. Hands. Mouths. Eyes. I know what they're thinking.
I hold a little piece of my heart out to every person I speak to. I only want them to be pleased to have spoken to me.
My husband says I'm too open with people. He says that's why people think I'm weird.
I am tearful.
I am only a child.
At least once a month I decide that I will never speak again. To never hear my own voice again would be my greatest accomplishment.
I am re-imagining my life without my voice.
I am silent on my grandfather's home videos. I only point to the flower. I do not say "It's a hibiscus."
I never hold my sister by her shoulders and scream into her.
I never tell my mother that I love her.
I never sit on the front porch and cry out to God.
Everything that is good can be done without words--loving, eating, walking about with no guilt or shame...
Friday, June 26, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Player Piano
If I admire or miss a person, I imagine that I am playing the piano. The person is nearby and is impressed. The person loves me because I am playing the piano so well. I am always wearing a beautiful dress.
It is a daily dream. Different people. Faraway people. People who do not remember me.
Somehow, if they could only hear me play, I would be forgiven for whatever I have done to make them go away.
If I could wear a beautiful dress...
It is a daily dream. Different people. Faraway people. People who do not remember me.
Somehow, if they could only hear me play, I would be forgiven for whatever I have done to make them go away.
If I could wear a beautiful dress...
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Departmental Meeting
Scanners are moving.
Computers are moving.
Snafu.
Mystified.
Prayer Meeting.
Petting Zoo.
Computers are moving.
Snafu.
Mystified.
Prayer Meeting.
Petting Zoo.
What if...
What if I'm doing so well--singing blue skies--just so failure will hurt more?
How will I pay for my sins? I have a husband. I have a best friend. I have a treasured child in my life. A true brother. A loving father. These five people mean more to me than anything. Will my sins hurt them? Is that how it works?
Crazy Roy says some people lose a child because of their sins or get sick. He says that we should all be glad that we have our own cross and not someone else's.
I wish I knew what to expect.
But that would be cheating. I would get better health insurance. I wouldn't have kids if they were going to die.
The sins of the fathers.
Does it work that way with mothers, too? Will I pay for my grandmother's sins? Will I know? Will my child pay for the destruction my mother has caused?
I can see it in my mind. She is holding the child. She is smiling, almost crying. She is pleased. Finally, I have done something worthwhile. I have birthed a perfect curve of flesh to lie on a cold stone and be sacrificed for her lies.
There will be no one to pay for my sins. I will do it myself.
How will I pay for my sins? I have a husband. I have a best friend. I have a treasured child in my life. A true brother. A loving father. These five people mean more to me than anything. Will my sins hurt them? Is that how it works?
Crazy Roy says some people lose a child because of their sins or get sick. He says that we should all be glad that we have our own cross and not someone else's.
I wish I knew what to expect.
But that would be cheating. I would get better health insurance. I wouldn't have kids if they were going to die.
The sins of the fathers.
Does it work that way with mothers, too? Will I pay for my grandmother's sins? Will I know? Will my child pay for the destruction my mother has caused?
I can see it in my mind. She is holding the child. She is smiling, almost crying. She is pleased. Finally, I have done something worthwhile. I have birthed a perfect curve of flesh to lie on a cold stone and be sacrificed for her lies.
There will be no one to pay for my sins. I will do it myself.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Difference
When was I last in the moment? When has my mind been on what I have in my hands?
Which of my lives is real?
I know the difference. The one I imagine is very quiet--without acquaintances. I am thin.
This morning, I remembered my father waking me up to go walk with him on the beach. I was the only one he woke. I was the only one he cared about. I remembered the conversations we would have about the ocean and the stars and the tides.
For a part of a second, the real memory flashed on my mind. I had forgotten the truth. I went with him because I was a light sleeper. He would try to sneak out, but I would wake up and follow him. He never said a word on the beach. Not a word. He spent the mornings looking for shells my mother would like. She hated shells. She threw them all away.
How many of my other memories have been twisted around?
I don't care.
Which of my lives is real?
I know the difference. The one I imagine is very quiet--without acquaintances. I am thin.
This morning, I remembered my father waking me up to go walk with him on the beach. I was the only one he woke. I was the only one he cared about. I remembered the conversations we would have about the ocean and the stars and the tides.
For a part of a second, the real memory flashed on my mind. I had forgotten the truth. I went with him because I was a light sleeper. He would try to sneak out, but I would wake up and follow him. He never said a word on the beach. Not a word. He spent the mornings looking for shells my mother would like. She hated shells. She threw them all away.
How many of my other memories have been twisted around?
I don't care.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Left out.
News Flash:
In my brother's thesis acknowledgments, everyone in our family was named. Everyone but me.
He meant for it to hurt me, and it has. I can't stop crying. I want to stop because he meant for me to cry.
But I can't.
What happened? What's wrong with me? I don't understand.
In my brother's thesis acknowledgments, everyone in our family was named. Everyone but me.
He meant for it to hurt me, and it has. I can't stop crying. I want to stop because he meant for me to cry.
But I can't.
What happened? What's wrong with me? I don't understand.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Signals
I cannot describe anything today. I am bursting. I'm over-interpreting everything. I heard Sue say that she only holds doors for people to see if they say "Thank you" or not. I searched my archives for any small memory of her holding the door for me. I don't know if I said anything or not.
My mind is racing. I've had three disconcerting interactions with very important people already this morning. I can't calm down. I'm watching their eyes, their mouths. I'm looking for any signal that I've done something wrong.
I can't sit still. I can't stop thinking. Someone, somewhere is very upset with me, and I can't figure out who it is.
Why do I do this? Just say you don't like me. I'm tired of guessing. I feel like my entire body is a tapping foot.
My mind is racing. I've had three disconcerting interactions with very important people already this morning. I can't calm down. I'm watching their eyes, their mouths. I'm looking for any signal that I've done something wrong.
I can't sit still. I can't stop thinking. Someone, somewhere is very upset with me, and I can't figure out who it is.
Why do I do this? Just say you don't like me. I'm tired of guessing. I feel like my entire body is a tapping foot.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Yesterday's Staff Meeting
Circulating stacks update. We won't call it "weeding" anymore. Must remember. I have lost myself. These voices hurt me. I have so much to do. I will get it done. I have fear. I fear disappointing others. I fear the thoughts of others. Do their thoughts touch? I convince myself that I know what they're thinking. Cynthia thinks I am a waste of time. Debra thinks I don't look very smart. Lisa can't believe all the stuff I don't know. Jennifer knows I am useless to her and therefore useless to the world. Rebecca is afraid of me. She doesn't understand that I like her. Charles is unconcerned with my existence. David knows I am an idiot. He knows I don't like to be made fun of. Fred pretends. Debbie knows I am lazy. She envies my laziness, and it makes her angry. Savitiri doesn't trust me. Peggy from ILL doesn't like for me to look at her. Virginia sees that I take many things for granted. Jocelyn knows, in spite of her urging, that I will never get very far in life. JoEllen is afraid that my strange religion will jump on her and keep her from saying the "F" word. I want her to like me so much. She cannot. It is too much for any person. Lori knows that i know nothing, that I understand nothing. She knows I'm a fake. She would never want me to get too close. Kendria thinks I am weak. I have born no child. Bridget sees that religion was wrapped around me. I did not choose it for myself. Janet doesn't like my voice. Steve thinks my hair is connected to God. He doesn't like to make eye contact. He thinks I can see that he hates God. Peggy Sue wants me to stay away. Her sandwich is none of my business. Greg can't wait for me to leave. Linda thinks I talk about myself too much. Sue thinks I'm ugly. She hates my clothes. Karen thinks I know her secret. Lilliean wouldn't mind if I died. Marvin feels sorry for me. Lili thinks I'm an entirely different person. Sonya suspects I will never amount to anything. Peggy Lee trusts me but dislikes me. Katie knows I am beneath her. She thinks I should have nothing nice. She thinks I should be without happiness. Dyana hates me. I have not heard a word of this meeting. July. In July, my life will be better but only because more of it will be behind me. I have so much to do. Will I ever be done? Is that what life is? A huge string of deadlines. Do they speak to each other of these thoughts they have about me? Do they nod to each other when I pass by? When will I feel good? When will this be over? No prayer. I guess we're done.
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